My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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