ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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