Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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