Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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