help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
