OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
