This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
