the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
