he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
