if i can run in heels then i can drive
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
