I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
