I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
