Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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