whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
