Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
