there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
