I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize