Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
