If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
