so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
