I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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