6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize