Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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