thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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