Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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