and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I wish there were birth control emojis
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
