I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
