I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
