I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
