Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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