Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
