You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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