its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
why do cheetos always look like penises
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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