My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize