I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
