Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
