Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
