chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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