just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
