I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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