My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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