He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
