we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
