can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
