Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize