my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
