I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
