shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize