6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
