Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
