i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
