I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize