I accidentally had phone sex last night
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
