You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
