the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
