Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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