Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
