Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
NoShamevember. You game?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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