Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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