i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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