Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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