Who did Billy Mays play for?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
