So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
