i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
